Infidelity is one of the most painful and challenging experiences a couple can face. It can shatter trust, breed intense emotional pain, and create a sense of betrayal that can feel almost impossible to overcome. Yet, despite the emotional devastation, healing is possible. For couples who are motivated to repair their relationship, the right therapeutic support can make a profound difference. In this post, I want to delve into the reasons infidelity happens, how each partner feels during and after the event, and how therapy—particularly intensive therapy—can help couples heal.

Why Does Infidelity Happen?

It is common for individuals to think that infidelity is an issue within the relationship—the spouse or partner may wonder what they did wrong or why they were not enough. However, the truth is that infidelity is about the person who engages in it, not the spouse or primary relationship. As clinical psychologist Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring writes in After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful – August 25, 2020, infidelity often stems from unmet emotional needs or dissatisfaction within the individual, not a failing of the marriage itself.

Unmet needs—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—often drive individuals to seek fulfillment outside of their relationship. These needs can stem from a lack of communication, unresolved emotional distress, or personal vulnerabilities that the individual is not aware of. Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist and relationship expert, notes that infidelity often signals deeper emotional issues, such as fear of intimacy or an inability to handle the vulnerability that close relationships require.

Furthermore, infidelity may arise from situational factors—stress, life transitions, or other external pressures can create situations where someone may make decisions they wouldn’t otherwise make. Research by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that one in three married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that their primary relationship was “broken.” It points more to individual choices, insecurities, and coping mechanisms. A key takeaway here is that infidelity is rarely about the spouse or the relationship—it is about the person who chose to engage in it.

The Emotional Experience of the Betrayed Partner

The betrayed partner often experiences a range of emotions: anger, sadness, confusion, shame, and even self-blame. Many individuals struggle with feelings of inadequacy, wondering if they were not enough or if they could have prevented the betrayal. They may feel trapped in their emotions and unable to process the pain, which can further isolate them.

Research by Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist and expert on infidelity, explains that the partner who has been betrayed often goes through a process of “emotional trauma,” characterized by anxiety, shock, and hyper-vigilance. They may struggle to trust their partner again and may fear that the emotional safety they once had is gone forever.

The Emotional Experience of the Betrayer

The person who engages in infidelity also experiences a range of emotions—guilt, shame, and regret. Many individuals who cheat do not set out to hurt their spouse intentionally but may feel trapped in their own unmet emotional or physical needs. Guilt often accompanies the realization of how their actions have hurt the person they love.

Interestingly, research shows that many people who engage in infidelity may not understand why they did it, and they often feel disconnected or lost. According to Psychology Today, some individuals feel like they were searching for something outside themselves—whether it be emotional validation or a sense of excitement—that was missing in their primary relationship. However, once the affair is exposed, guilt and remorse set in. It is often during this time that the betrayer begins to realize the extent of the pain caused.

Can Relationships Heal After Infidelity?

The good news is that healing from infidelity is possible, especially when couples engage in therapy. Studies have shown that relationships can recover and even grow stronger when both partners are committed to the process. According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, about 50–60% of couples who experience infidelity report that their relationship improves after therapy, with couples demonstrating better communication, renewed intimacy, and even greater trust.

Therapy, particularly intensive therapy, offers a structured and immersive environment to address the profound pain and disconnection that infidelity causes. Intensives—such as weekend therapy sessions or multi-day retreats—can be especially effective. These therapeutic experiences allow couples to focus entirely on the healing process, with guided support, emotional processing, and active intervention from experienced therapists. This level of concentrated therapy accelerates healing and allows for a deeper, more lasting transformation compared to traditional weekly hour-long sessions.

The Power of Intensives in Healing

Intensive therapy can be a game-changer for couples trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair. During an intensive session, couples have the opportunity to dive deep into their emotional wounds, discuss difficult truths, and develop new tools for rebuilding trust. Unlike traditional therapy, which may only scratch the surface in one-hour sessions, Intensives provide the space for more comprehensive emotional work, offering the couple more profound insights and interventions.

Intensive therapy is also crucial because it creates a structured, neutral space for couples to express themselves fully and honestly. It helps each partner to process the emotions they are experiencing while also fostering empathy. This focused effort increases the likelihood of healing and gives the couple the skills needed to rebuild the relationship, repair trust, and move forward.

Can Couples Repair Their Relationship Without Intensive Therapy?

While some couples do heal over time without formal therapy, the majority of couples will benefit significantly from professional intervention. Research shows that couples who seek therapy are more likely to restore their relationship, with intensives being particularly effective in fostering quick and lasting change. According to The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, over 70% of couples report positive changes in their relationships after attending therapy, and intensives often result in more rapid and enduring improvement.

A Small Exercise to Begin the Healing Process

If you and your partner are dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, here’s a simple exercise to help open the door to healing:

1. Write a Letter of Honesty: Each partner writes a letter—without interruption or judgment—expressing their feelings about the affair. For the partner who was betrayed, this letter is about the pain, anger, and hurt they are experiencing. For the partner who engaged in infidelity, this letter focuses on guilt, remorse, and the reasons behind the behavior.
2. Read the Letters Aloud: After writing the letters, sit down together and read them aloud to each other. This step can be difficult but helps both partners listen actively to each other’s emotional experience. Allow the space for emotions to come up but refrain from responding or defending. This is about acknowledging feelings, not justifying actions.
3. Commit to the Next Step: After reading the letters, talk about what both of you need in order to begin healing. This is a conversation about rebuilding trust, setting boundaries, and planning next steps, whether that’s seeking therapy, taking time apart, or developing a shared vision for your future together.

Moving Forward

Infidelity is a heavy burden to carry, but it is possible to rebuild and repair a relationship with commitment, vulnerability, and the right therapeutic support. While the journey won’t be easy, couples who seek out intensive therapy can experience profound healing and growth. If you’re facing this challenge, remember that you are not alone—and help is available. By taking proactive steps and committing to the healing process, couples can turn this painful chapter into an opportunity for renewal and strength.

References

Books:

1. Spring, J. A. (2004). After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. HarperCollins.
   • This book offers extensive insights into the psychological dynamics of infidelity, discussing why people cheat and how couples can heal after an affair. Dr. Spring highlights that infidelity is often a reflection of individual needs rather than relational deficiencies.
2. Glass, S. (2003). Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Free Press.
   • Dr. Glass explores the emotional consequences of infidelity for both the betrayer and the betrayed. Her work emphasizes how infidelity can be a response to unmet emotional needs and shows how couples can rebuild trust through therapy.

Research Articles and Journals:

1. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (2009). “The Impact of Infidelity on Couples Therapy: A Review and Implications for Clinical Practice.”
   • This study discusses the impact of infidelity on couples and the effectiveness of therapy in helping couples heal. It suggests that couples therapy can lead to improved communication and trust post-infidelity.
2. Psychology Today (2018). “Why People Cheat.”
   • This article provides an overview of the psychological factors behind infidelity, pointing out that cheating often results from personal issues such as emotional dissatisfaction or fear of intimacy. It also highlights how both the person who cheated and the betrayed partner experience significant emotional turmoil.
3. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2012). “Infidelity in Marriage: A Review of the Literature.”
   • This literature review identifies common themes and reasons for infidelity, asserting that cheating is often a reflection of individual needs rather than a relationship’s failure. The review also emphasizes the need for therapy in recovery.
4. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (2022). “Couples Therapy: Healing from Infidelity.”
   • This article highlights statistics regarding the efficacy of therapy for couples dealing with infidelity, indicating that over 70% of couples who seek therapy report positive changes in their relationship.

Websites:

1. Pepper Schwartz, PhD. (2021). “What Causes Infidelity?” Psychology Today.
   • Dr. Schwartz, a prominent relationship expert, discusses the complex emotional and psychological factors that contribute to infidelity, including unaddressed needs and personal vulnerabilities.
2. Psychology Today (2019). “Infidelity: The Betrayed Partner’s Emotional Journey.”
   • This article discusses the emotional trauma and recovery process for the partner who has been cheated on, supporting the idea that healing requires time, therapy, and emotional work.

Studies on Therapy and Intensives:

1. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (2007). “Couple Therapy and Infidelity: Assessing the Role of Therapeutic Interventions.”
   • This study suggests that couples therapy, particularly when structured intensively, can significantly improve communication, trust, and emotional connection, leading to a more successful recovery after infidelity.
2. The Gottman Institute (2019). “The Impact of Intensives on Relationship Recovery.”
   • Research from the Gottman Institute supports the idea that intensive therapy sessions (often multi-day or weekend sessions) help couples address deeper issues more effectively than traditional one-hour weekly therapy sessions.

Additional References:

1. American Psychological Association (2020). The Effects of Infidelity on Couples and Families.
   • This article discusses how infidelity affects both the individual and relational dynamics and the potential for recovery through therapeutic interventions.